pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
