I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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