I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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