Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
