Yo dont text me then not text me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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