I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
