I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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