My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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