Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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