My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
