bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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