She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
