U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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