it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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