The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
