Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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