My cat gives me a boner
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
