Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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