So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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