i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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