This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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