have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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