I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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