In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
