and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
