My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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