Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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