Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
