yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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