I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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