I'm going to jail i love you
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
