my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
