Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
