Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
