After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
should my penis look like a turkey
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
