mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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