The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
