i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
