dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
