Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
