I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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