I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
