I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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