If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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