We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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