Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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