he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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