I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
