wanna go halves on a baby?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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