In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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