Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
