u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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