phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
